17 February 2011

First Break-up

I have CFS.  For anyone that does not know that's Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.  It's a real syndrome, it's not "all in my head", it's debilitating when its affecting you.  I would get dizzy if I stood for too long, I would wake up after a full nights sleep exhausted, I couldn't do the things I loved to do.  Watching TV exhausted me, just getting up to go eat would make me feel like I needed to go back to sleep.  I was constantly nauseous.

Because of this illness my Mom pulled me out of school and I homeschooled for the second half of my freshman year of high school, through the school system.  I had telephone conferences with my teachers.  Being out of school, and not being able to go anywhere but church, it made it hard to spend time with Michael.  We would talk on the phone all the time, but we didn't get any physical time together really.  He came over sometimes, but it wasn't a lot and I was missing out on having a regular teenage relationship.

My Mom and a lot of my friends told me that I should let Michael go.  That it was better if I concentrated on getting better, and that it wasn't fair of me to continue to "date" Michael when I couldn't actually go out anywhere with him.  I couldn't bring myself to talk to him about this issue.  I cared a lot about Michael, but I was still inexperienced when it came to dating, and I didn't want to hold him back.  I wanted him to be happy.  I don't think I was in love with him yet, but I was starting to fall for him.  So, like I said, I wasn't up to tell him in person, or on the phone.  I knew it would be harder to go through if I had to actually talk to him.  So I did the coward thing and I wrote him a letter.

I will say, that that was most definitely the stupidest thing I have ever done.  If I regret anything in my life, it's breaking up with Michael in a stupid note.  I should have had the courage to do it in person.  I think that our break-up was necessary in the course of our relationship, but I could have handled it better, and I know that I hurt Michael a lot with the way that I broke up with him.  Although I do not think that I was in love with him yet, I do think that Michael was in love with me, or at least very close.  I wasn't aware of that though, or I was in denial about it.

At this point in our relationship I still didn't think I was worthy of such an awesome person.  Some days I still don't.