Juggling children is hard! :)

  It's hard to do school when you have an almost 17 month old who constantly wants your undivided attention.  Like right now, where I came in the room, sat down to blog and immediately I'm demanded to nurse her.  Right now.  No exceptions.

This isn't going to be my main blog post today, but as I'm limited at the moment with my hands, this is the best I can do right now.

I've got two students still in the 13-14 school year, and I've started my middle two in the 14-15 school year already at their request, and entire week early.  Which is okay since we're heading to FL in less than two weeks.  So far it's going okay, but I don't have a lot I need to do with the bigs, but my almost 17 month old is not a fan of my being distracted from her.  At least not when she wants attention, and that's about any time I'm not paying attention to her.

But, back to topic, I plan on writing about my Mom soon, which is still a hard subject for me.

I'm trying...

....to think of my next blog post.  Not sure what I'm going to write about but I have some ideas.  I really would love it if I had the time and patience to write about all the things I'd like to write about.  And the ability to stay on task.  Gotta love chronic fatigue.

But, as it's almost time for a new school year I think my next full length blog post will feature something about our new school year that I'm setting up for.  But, for now I have two young children begging to go to the park.

It's my birthday today too, and I'm exhausted, I think pizza may be in order for tonight.

March was a hard month for me.  My Mom was in a car accident in October of 2004.  She suffered severe injuries and became a paraplegic.  She was optimistic at first, but slowly, what was optimistic that she may eventually walk again became resignation that she never would, and finally slipping into depression as she realized she never would, and that many of the things that she used to love to do and wanted to do with her grandchildren could never happen.  And unfortunately in all of this she also missed out on a lot with them.  I watched as my vibrant and passionate mother faded away in front of me, and finally, in March this year she left this earth.  I still can't think about her without crying.  My Mom was my best friend, my rock.  After my Daddy died in 1992 I only had her and although we had a rough start, she was my person to cling to.  We had a lot in common and enjoyed those things together.  My Mom was a really awesome person who I miss talking to every day since she died.

It was sudden, and yet not so sudden, and it's hard not to think back and see all the regrets, all the times I could spend with her and now can't.

Mommy, I know you're looking after me now, and my kids.  I love you and I know you knew that.  It hurts, you being gone, but I'll be okay, but only for you, because I know that's what you'd want, but I miss you.  So much.

So here it is.

My confession.  I care about what people think, to a point.  From about my 3rd child on I've pretty much said, I'd be happy with how many we've had, we won't be having any more, and to be honest, at those times I was being truthful.  But, it inevitably hits, the baby bug.  It's not that I'm not happy with my children, but that I am.  I love my children and I love being a Mom and I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life.  And I want more.

I hate being pregnant, it's annoying and tiring and a lot puking, but I LOVE giving birth and having a squishy newborn from it.  And the biggest thing of all....I've always had my heart set on six children.  I come from a large family, not my immediate family, no.  I'm my Mom's only and my father's youngest of three, except they are both older than I am, so I grew up essentially an only child, but my Mom's mom, my grandma had six, and my Maw Maw had four children and when I saw my aunts and uncles interacting with each other, and I saw the love between my cousins who had siblings, I knew, just KNEW in my heart I was meant to have children like that.

So yes, after Katara I said I was done, and a LOT of that was out of social pressure, and because of my anxiety issues, but saying it and having those issues does not make the want for more kids disappear.  And I'm sure I *could* be happy with just five.  I have some really awesome kids, so I really could, but why do I have to settle for less than what I want just because people think six kids is a lot?  My kids are taken care of, they eat their fill, they have a roof over their heads, and medical and dental care, and I also do believe that God provides.

No, we're not pregnant, and I'm not sure we're going to be again, but I'm not saying I won't be again, because I could, but there it is.  I miss being pregnant and I love having newborns and I love being a Mom to a large family and I won't be ashamed of that, because there's nothing WRONG with that.  My family is happy and really, that's all that matters.