Faith

03 March 2011

James

When I found out I was pregnant with James I was a little scared of what Michael's reaction was. I hadn't seen him in a couple of weeks, and had to track him down to find him.  He was in one of his avoidance moods again. I told him that I thought I was in the back of his car.  I was really scared to look at him, see what his reaction was, when I showed him the pregnancy tests.  I was afraid he would blame me, or something.  It was definitely both our faults.  We both knew the risk.  I would be lying if I said I had not wanted to get pregnant with Michael's baby, but we weren't married, the circumstances weren't what I wanted. I was happy though, to be carrying a part of Michael inside my womb.

So when I finally looked up at Michael after telling and showing him the tests I was amazed.  The look of joy and excitement on Michael was just, it took my breath away.  He came over that night, held me all night, and I went to the Dr the next morning to get it confirmed.  Of course, being about 6/7 weeks I got a positive immediately at the Dr.'s.  I cried there, complete and total meltdown.

I wasn't sad, I was incredibly happy.  I went back home, and I told Michael he didn't have to do anything for me, that I wasn't asking for money, or support or anything, that I didn't want to hold him down, like he wanted.

Michael instead asked me to marry him, to which I turned down.  I would not get married just because we were pregnant, and told him instead, if he wanted to, we could try "dating" again.  He agreed to that, and that was the last time we were separated.

Michael is the most amazing father.  He loves his children and enjoys them.  He was a great help not only throughout my pregnancy but during the delivery and while James was little.  I always knew he'd be a great father.

When James was 5 months old Michael told me he wanted to get married, for no other reason than that he wanted to be with me.  I agreed to it that time.  I wanted to know that he wanted me, and not just marrying me out of a sense of responsibility.  While our relationship may never have been conventional I know that it's real, and Michael really brings out the best in me.  I can't imagine my life without him.

Michael has been in my life for 13 years now, and it's hard sometimes to remember a time that I didn't have him.