Faith

04 April 2010

Pre-Deployment

If you've never been through a deployment, or prepared for one, you'll have no idea what I'm experiencing at the moment.  This is the first time I'll be driving Michael up there, and dropping him off knowing full well that he'll get on a plane and head overseas.  It's a first because of circumstances.  When Michael went to Korea, I had just had a baby 2 months previously and flying myself and 2 babies out to South Korea's DMZ did not sound like a great idea.  Now I regret it, but then we both thought what was best was for me to stay put and wait it out.  However, I was in FL and he in Ga when he left.

Then Iraq, I had moved back down to FL because I was pregnant with Steven, and Michael was supposed to leave before I gave birth.  We wanted me around family and friends so that I wouldn't have to find childcare or give birth completely alone. So we talked up until the moment he got on the plane, and then at every stop, but I didn't take him to wait for the plane or stand there watching him get on.  So I don't think I ever faced the reality of it.

We have a date and time for the leaving ceremony.  I'm having a hard time keeping it together.  I've managed to not cry too much in front of the kids, but its getting harder.  I'm trying to be  strong and I'm failing miserably.  This time the kids and I will be there for the ceremony.  I don't know if we'll then watch him get on a plane or not, probably a bus, but we'll be there to see it.  I know that I'll be driving him there to send him overseas.  Sending him to a country where so many people hate us and want to see us dead just because we're American.  I'll feel responsible if anything happens.

I'm scared to lose this amazing man.  I want to spend my life with him, I want to grow old with him.  I want our children to know this amazing man that I know.  They are all so young, so young.  James will have the most memories if something happens, but I know from experience, eventually those memories fade, he'll forget Michael's voice, and start to remember memories only from photographs.  I was 9 when I lost my father.  I'm scared most for my children.  I will I comfort them if something happens?  I feel panicked just thinking they may have to go through what I did.  Steven knows Daddy, but he won't remember him, Jade will have fleeting memories at best, and Willow wouldn't know her daddy at all.

I'm trying to think positively, but it's hard.

So many emotions going through me right now.  It's time now though to go, enjoy my husband before he leaves.  If you read this, keep my husband in your thoughts and prayers over this year please.  We'll both need all the positive thoughts and prayers that can be spared.