06 July 2014

So here it is.

My confession.  I care about what people think, to a point.  From about my 3rd child on I've pretty much said, I'd be happy with how many we've had, we won't be having any more, and to be honest, at those times I was being truthful.  But, it inevitably hits, the baby bug.  It's not that I'm not happy with my children, but that I am.  I love my children and I love being a Mom and I cannot imagine doing anything else with my life.  And I want more.

I hate being pregnant, it's annoying and tiring and a lot puking, but I LOVE giving birth and having a squishy newborn from it.  And the biggest thing of all....I've always had my heart set on six children.  I come from a large family, not my immediate family, no.  I'm my Mom's only and my father's youngest of three, except they are both older than I am, so I grew up essentially an only child, but my Mom's mom, my grandma had six, and my Maw Maw had four children and when I saw my aunts and uncles interacting with each other, and I saw the love between my cousins who had siblings, I knew, just KNEW in my heart I was meant to have children like that.

So yes, after Katara I said I was done, and a LOT of that was out of social pressure, and because of my anxiety issues, but saying it and having those issues does not make the want for more kids disappear.  And I'm sure I *could* be happy with just five.  I have some really awesome kids, so I really could, but why do I have to settle for less than what I want just because people think six kids is a lot?  My kids are taken care of, they eat their fill, they have a roof over their heads, and medical and dental care, and I also do believe that God provides.

No, we're not pregnant, and I'm not sure we're going to be again, but I'm not saying I won't be again, because I could, but there it is.  I miss being pregnant and I love having newborns and I love being a Mom to a large family and I won't be ashamed of that, because there's nothing WRONG with that.  My family is happy and really, that's all that matters.