18 May 2010

It sucks

When you want to write, but don't have anything to write about.  Well I do actually have things I could write about....things I care about, but right now I don't feel like writing about those things.  There are so many things I feel strongly about, natural birth, a woman's right to birth where she wants to, and with whom she wants, abortion legality, our country and the way it's headed, Christianity, vaccines, parenting and breastfeeding.  So many things.  I feel like some times I'm a little too passionate, but others I feel like maybe I'm not passionate enough.  It's frustrating sometimes, knowing, having researched things, and having no one listen to you.  I'm tired of people saying I have to be PC, or that I can't say facts because it might hurt someones feelings or make them feel guilty.

But, yea, on to other things.

Michael has been gone for a month and a half almost.  I already feel like I'm going crazy!  I want to go home to FL, be around family, but I won't be going  home for another month.  Everywhere I look there are reminders of Michael, and every time the phone rings I'm praying its him just so I can talk to him for as long as I can.  Deployments suck.  I'm being strong for the kids, and since the initial breakdowns before and after he left I haven't had one, but I'm starting to think that I'm being a little too strong.  I'm afraid that I'm keeping everything inside and it's just going to break open and I'm going to be flooded with all this emotion and I may not be able to pick when it's going to happen.  I don't know.  I'm trying to be strong and I just feel so weak right now.  I'm praying Michael calls soon, talking to him, hearing his voice always makes me feel a tiny bit better, at least for a short period of time.

The kids, yes the kids.  Well, James is just about done with kindergarten, he's got 18 more lessons, and Jade has 90 more lessons until she's done.  They have both done great so far!  I'm very proud of them!  Now if only they would clean when I asked.  Steven is doing great too, we're beginning to go over colors, and their signs, he's starting to pick up the colors....although he does get some of them mixed up sometimes.  Willow is doing very well too!  She's eating a lot lately so I'm thinking growth spurt shortly.  She's almost 7 months old so it wouldn't surprise me if she grew into 12 month clothes soon!  She is SOO tall for her age!  She's crawling now and trying to pull herself up all the time.  I miss her sleeping in the bed with me.  She won't now, she starts waking up and wanting to play if I hold her after nursing.  So in order to get her to go back to sleep after nursing I have to put her down in her bed.  It makes me sad.

Michael and I have talked about having more kids.  I don't know if we are or not, I'm leaning towards not at this point, but we're leaving that door open I think.  If we do I think I'd just like one more, another girl, but Michael wants even amounts, so if we had one more, he'd want us to have two more.  I don't know that I want 6 kids.  I figure once Willow is a bit older I can decide, although the thought of conceiving over R&R is tempting, because once Michael gets home I'd be closer to delivering. I don't know though.  I hate being pregnant, and while I do have some bad days with the kids, I love being a Mom and it's very rewarding.  They listen pretty well, most of the time....although, there are times like right now where they aren't listening to me and cleaning their room so that I don't have to take some of their toys away! LOL....Steven just went to get a bag for me to throw toys away in!

Off to be the big bad mommy!