Reflections, Religious in nature.

The muse has hit I think as I've been wanting to write more often.  I don't normally write like this, I don't usually have the time either, but I've had some compulsion wanting me, and forcing me to bring my thoughts down on, well data, no longer paper.

I blame Tara.  Her love for writing I think renewed my interest in it.  I am not even half as good as she is with words, but still meaningful in their own way.

I just got back from Target, it was on my way home that this idea came to me.  Driving down 528, with the heat on my feet and the window down, feeling the cool air blow on me.  Watching the cars go by, looking at the beautiful, clear Florida sky, and the trees as I passed them, it got me thinking.  How beautiful is our world?  It's Christmas Eve, one of my favorite times of year.  It's not my favorite because of the presents, or the joy I get in watching my kids open presents from Santa, but because we celebrate the birth of the greatest man in history.

I feel that I'm fairly logical in nature.  I'm not a science enthusiast by any means, but there are certain things in science I enjoy.  I prefer to look at facts, then personal opinions on things.  I like dealing with facts, they are unchangeable.  I started thinking about the facts surrounding Jesus's birth, life and death.  Facts that cannot be changed, that prove who he was.  Thinking logically, you cannot deny what he did.  The only thing that is based on opinion is on how, and if He is who He said He is. People recording all the miracles he performed, people who had every reason to discredit him, and yet, they recorded his good works.

One thing I love about homeschooling my kids is the ability to share with them the works of the Bible every day.  Every day we learn something new about God, Jesus and the Bible.  I can encourage their love of God and Jesus as much as they will allow me.  While I will not make their minds up for them, and will in fact encourage them to look at all the facts as they get older, I do hope that the foundation I give them now, giving them the facts that I have available, they will learn to love God as I do, and have that relationship with God that I do.

Jesus was not just some great man, He wasn't even completely a man.  He was the son of God, God himself. He IS our salvation.  Without Him, without God, we would be lost.  I have always believed in God, and although there was a short time in my life I chose to live without him, my belief in Him never perished.  There's too much proof in my life that He exists.

I don't usually make new years resolutions, however this year, my resolution is to try (because life always seems to get in the way) once a week to write about God's presence in my life for that week.  I want to write about where I saw Him in my world, or how He has affected my life.

I'm going to end with a prayer:

Father Almighty,
Thank you for the life you has provided me, for my family and friends who have brought such joy to my life.  Thank you for my children, who are wonderful gifts from you, and a testament of your love.  Lord I pray that you continue to affect my life in the positive way you've been doing, and that you continue to provide me with the tools I need in my life.  I feel grateful to you Lord, that you have been such an amazing presence in my life, that you've never left me alone even when I've turned my back on you.  Lord, I thank you a million times over for sending your Son to earth for us.  I may not be worthy, but I am blessed by your love for me.  I am amazed by the peace and calm you provide in my life, and I know that I am a better person because of your influence in my life!

In Jesus Christ name I pray.
Amen.

Sometimes I feel like my relationship was never normal

Looking back at how our relationship started, when it started, how old we were when it started, the chips were stacked against us.  Statistically we *should* have failed.  I met him when I was 15 years old.  I didn't even know anything besides his name and who a handful of his friends were when we started "dating".  I knew he was possibly the cutest boy I'd ever seen.  He made me forget all other crushes I had at the moment (a total of 2).

We both sabotaged our relationship in more ways then one throughout most of it, in fact, really when I think about it, our "real" relationship, that moment that I think both of us decided this was forever was when I got pregnant with James.  However, we could not have got to where we are in our relationship now without all the pain, heartache and fun of our "earlier" relationship.

By the time we stood in front of his grandfather to say our vows to each other I felt like I married him years ago.  I waited for our relationship to change dynamic after we said those vows, but we were already living together, for more than a year, we had a 9 month old son together, and when we went home that night, it was the same as every other.  The only thing that changed in my mind was that now, when I scribbled "Crystal Strickland" on papers, it was true, that was my name, not just wishful thinking.

It's amazing how much Michael and I have gone through together, not all of it would I want to remember, but I also think those times are important.  They helped shape our relationship.  I can't even express how exactly I feel about him.  He was amazing enough when I first met him, with his goofy socks, and alien "humans suck" shirt, to now, knowing him as well as anyone could.  He's still amazing, but he blows me away sometimes.  His generosity, his compassion, his geekiness.  I love everything about him, even the things that drive me up the wall, like his need to start reorganizing things and then getting distracted and leaving it half done.

Michael loves simply, easily.  He gives his all.  It's not complex and there's no hidden motive.  He loves you, he tries to take care of you and make you happy to the best of his ability.  It's different from the way I love, but in no way less pure.  That was one of the lessons I had to learn, and so did he.  We had to adjust to having someone love us in a way we don't necessarily understand.  I couldn't relate to just simple love, I'm consumed by it.  I still am.  Every fiber of my being loves him.

My Michael, my husband, my lifemate.  I am excited to grow old with him, am proud that I chose such a worthy man even when I was hormonal teenager. I'm proud to say that I'm married to the man I lost my virginity to ;).  I'm glad I never stopped believing in him, and the love we shared, it would have probably been easier to just let go.  Okay probably not, since I tried that and it threatened to overtake me, but sometimes it seems like it would have been.  So many times I felt that trying to make our relationship work was trying to climb a mountain without any help at all.

My personal message to my husband is this, I love you.  Just simply, I love you.  You're happiness is important to me, you're dreams and goals are a part of my dreams and goals.  I love you, and I can't wait to be in your arms again, you are my anchor, in my sea of emotions and feelings, you're my life line.  I can't thank God enough for putting you in my path, and continuously putting you there, and pushing me in all the right directions that led us to here.

I love you.

Warning, boobs/breastfeeding talk!

You have been warned, if you are offended by talks of my boos, or even worse, of the purpose of my boobs, then I don't want to hear any complaints because I fair warned you in the above title.

I've been thinking about doing this for awhile, and I've been putting it off, but lately I've felt the urge to write so here it is:

My favorite breastfeeding moments with each of my kids.

James
Since he was a newborn everything was new with him.  I was amazed by the bond we established, how even as a newborn he would stare into my eyes, and it made me feel so powerful, so womanly, so motherly.  I loved the way he was squeeze my breast while he was eating, and make his contented coos right before he was done.  I loved the way that when he was done he would look up at me and just rest there on my breast with heavy lidded eyes.  As he got older, the bond never left, it was *our* time together, it was special.

Jade
Jade was my hair twirler.  Even as a newborn she had to have her hand in my hair, and then eventually her own.  I would stroker her face and hair while she nursed.  I especially loved our night time nursings.  Because James was only 16 months old when Jade was born I didn't get as many private times with her as I did with James, but late at night, after James had gone to sleep it would be just her and I.  She would nurse to sleep at night, sitting on my lap while I did the school work I needed to do that day.  She would stroke my arm and face after I would do hers, and I loved waking up with her all snuggly in my arms and falling asleep with her nursing at night.  I loved how when she was 10 months old she would walk up to me, slightly tug on my shirt and say "nurse".  I love that I go to nurse her over a year.

Steven
I think Steven was my easiest baby to nurse.  We had no real problems with his nursing. Steven always approached nursing with enthusiasm and love.  I loved when he was a newborn how he'd make the "ah ah ah" sounds until he found my nipple to latch on, then the "mmm" once he got on.  He'd hold tight to me while nursing.  He was distractable, so he wouldn't always look at me while nursing, but it was fun to watch him taking everything in.  He's still my quiet baby.  I loved when he was older and he'd walk up to me and ask to nurse even if it was just for comfort.

Willow
Willow is not done nursing, but there are many things I love about it, and I know I'm going to miss it when we're done.  We had a lot of trouble starting out, and it seemed like the first 3 months of her nursing relationship was pretty painful, and she ate so much more than my others did, but it was well worth it.  She is even more distractable than Steven is which can be frustrating, but it just made me have to find a way to find private time with her even more than I normally would.  Now some of my favorite things are when she find me shirtless, for whatever reason (changing, about to shower, etc) and she looks at me like an all you can eat buffet!  How even now, when it's time to nurse she starts jumping up and down on her knees cause she's so excited!  How she holds me tight and doesn't want to let go.  I love how even if she's offered solid foods, she still prefers to nurse from me.

Since Willow is more than likely my last baby I am trying to appreciate every moment of breastfeeding.  I know that breastfeeding is definitely something I'm going to miss!

submissiveness

Submissiveness.

That one word strikes terror in the hearts of modern day feminists.  We have to be submissive to our husbands??  What?  No, I will NOT obey him, I'm not a person to be taken advantage of.  My husband is no better than me why should I have to do what HE says, I'm my own person and can make my OWN decisions.

What people don't seem to understand is that being submissive doesn't mean giving up your own person, constantly only doing what your husband says, or losing yourself.  

As a Christian, women are called to be submissive to their husbands, but what does this really mean?  Is it a horrible and demeaning thing to be submissive?  I don't think it is, if you're living in your marriage the way God calls us to live.  I've had this talk with many friends, and family.  I've come to one simple conclusion.  Being submissive is not scary.  I have not lost myself in my husband and family, in fact, being submissive to my husband has actually made me free in many ways.  

The thoughts for this blog came from listening to the radio yesterday.  I was listening to one of the Christian stations, and the man on there was talking about how to have a truly Christian based marriage.  He never mentioned being submissive, only that in order to make a marriage work you need mutual respect, and then love.  

So what does the Bible say on being a submissive wife, and how does it apply to today? Ephesians 5:22-33 says:  ²² Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. ²³ For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. ²⁴ Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. ²⁵ Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her ²⁶ to make her holy, cleansing^[a] her by the washing with water through the word, ²⁷ and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. ²⁸ In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. ²⁹ After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— ³⁰ for we are members of his body. ³¹ “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”^[b] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. ³³ However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

 What this says to me, is not that we are to be doormats, that we're allow our husband so abuse us.  We still have a say in our lives, but that, just like Christ is the head of the church, just like you need a leader in all other things, for otherwise things lead to chaos, you need a "leader" in your relationship.  If both of you try and "lead" your relationship, then more often than not, you'll fail in your relationship.  Paul tells us also, that our husbands are to love us, and treat us with the same respect he gives himself.  It's not all about how we're to deter all decision making to our husbands.  Our husband is also to love and respect us, and treat us in that manner.  If they do not, they are not glorifying the Lord, or the marriage.

So what this passage means to me is simply this: men are to leave their families and become one with their wives, they are to make sure their wife is taken care of, physically and mentally and to treat her with the respect she is deserving of as a child of God. In return, we're to trust our husband as the head of our household, as God himself as commanded of him, and give him respect and love in return.  If either side is out of balance, then we're not held to our side of the commitment.  Simply put, women are not to be blindly subservient, we're not to do the husband's bidding getting nothing in return, but are in fact in a partnership with our husbands, built on mutual love and respect.

In my relationship, as a Godly wife, I respect my husband, and I love him, and I expect that love and respect back, and I receive it.  My husband takes care of our family, and me, and supports me in my wants and desires, and I do the same of him.  Since he fulfills his side of our partnership, I allow all decisions to be finalized through him, but I know that he also trusts and respects my opinion and judgement.  He'll always ask for and want my opinion, and in return, I allow him to have final say in any major life changing decision in our life, knowing that he'll do his best to look out for our family as a whole.

I am not scared to say I am a submissive wife, that I am living in my marriage in the way the Bible has asked me to.  I am not scared or ashamed of the way I live, in fact I am proud of it. I think my relationship is all the better because of it.

We took the plunge

and the younger kids are getting vaccinated.  Well, at least Willow is.

Steven is still waiting for his allergen appt to see what he is allergic to.  Michael and I discussed this subject, a lot.  A LOT.  Neither of us is comfortable with vaccinating, I think there are too many risks in the vaccinations, vs the risk of them getting the disease, or what would happen should they get the disease.  However, there is the chance Michael would get stationed overseas, and then their risk of getting the vaccine-preventable diseases would be raised.  That is the ONLY reason we have decided to get them completely vaccinated.  Although, I still think the chicken pox vaccine is stupid.

I wish I could avoid putting those toxins in my children, but I think it'll be better to do it, then risk not being able to be with Michael later.

So, Steven has received DTaP, Hib and polio, and Willow has gotten DTap and PCV.

Willow will get more when we get back from vacation, but Steven, like I said is allergic to something in the vaccines, so we will decide more on what to do with him once we find out what he's allergic to.

Fall back

Yesterday, Sunday November 7, 2010 was not a fun day.  Usually I'm excited about gaining an hour of sleep, however that day was the day we had to take Michael to the airport so he could go back to Afghanistan.  The day went pretty well, and it didn't hit me as hard as it normally does, with him leaving.  Minimal tears.  I don't know if I should be happy or glad that I didn't break down like I did last time.  Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of sheer terror at the thought of him flying back in, but last time, when he went back to Iraq, I started bawling the moment I walked into the townhome.  Michael had changed everything in our home, and while it had started out as *my* home, while he was there those 15 days he had made it into *our* home.  His presence was everywhere, and it hurt so bad to have to come back home to our home, and for him not to be there.  I wonder if the difference is that this was our home before we left, and so it was still our home when he came for R&R.  It's possible I guess.  We are on the downward slide, which is awesome though, and I'm looking forward to going home for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  I've got some things to concentrate on during November and December to help time seem to move faster, but I'm concerned about the rest of the time.  OPSEC will not allow me to write when he's coming home, and if you're wondering what OPSEC is, well in Army terms, it's not telling troop movements, in an effort to keep them safe.  I won't give out dates, times or anything like that.  I can say Michael will be home in spring, but I can't tell you which month in the spring he'll be home.

The main things I have to help pass time once January rolls around is that James will be in scouts still, on Monday nights, and I signed Jade up for cheer/dance.  I think she'll have fun in it.  I'm going to miss the parent meeting, but eh, oh well.  The coach will call me with when they meet, and here's hoping that it won't be on Monday nights.

As for today, we're doing really well time wise.  James and Jade got up at 6:30 am and played quietly in their room, and Willow woke up for her morning nursing.  She went back to sleep at 6:45 and I got up and got a shower.   We did the Bible portion of school last night, so this morning at 7am, I got the kids working on their seat work.  James is now done, Jade is just about done, and they are eating breakfast as I speak, and they are almost done with that.  I have hopes that we may just finish school before lunch time.  Willow will probably go down for a nap in about an hour and half to 2 hours from now, and then the kids will hopefully be done by 12:30-1pm.  Then we'll just hang out around the house, or possibly play outside for a little bit.  It's been chilly, but we've had pretty nice days.  Lots of sunshine.  I am looking forward to going home to FL though, where it's warmer!  It's funny how much I hate the cold, and yet I want to go live in Alaska for 3 years.  But it's GORGEOUS there!  So beautiful!  I think I could endure 3 years of cold and snow for the beauty that's there.  I really want to get a lot of pictures of the mountains, and the whales we could see.  Plus the housing there looks really awesome, and they have 5 bedroom houses, so hopefully we could get a house that is a better size for us, than what we have here.

We are stuck here, for another 2 years, and then Michael can reenlist (which he will) and then we'll probably reenlist needs of the army.  I'm not sure where I'm going to want to request to go, (not that we'll get it) but I'm afraid to go too far away because of my Mom.  I wish we could get Patrick, but I doubt that it will ever happen.  I was thinking Stewart, because that post is only 5 hours from home, but in a way, I would just love to go further west.  I wouldn't mind going up north some, but really, I've never been to the middle of the country and I think it would be cool to see more of our diverse country than just the two coasts.  Really, I just hope we get stationed somewhere that they have easy homeschooling laws.

Well, the kids are almost done with breakfast so I should probably start mine and end this!

November 4th

With Michael here for R&R I have been bad about keeping up with the elections.  I am not too happy with Rick Scott winning gov. of FL, but I wouldn't have been happy with Sink either, I voted for the independent.

As for everything else, and the point of this blog.  I'm proud of the American people for standing up!  Pelosi is out!  I'm also amused by the reference of "ding dong the wicked witch is dead"!  I don't understand the people who voted her in!  The worst times we had during Bush's years as president were while the dems had control of congress!

My thoughts on this, because dems are for bigger gov't, more gov't control on EVERYTHING, is why?  I hear so many dems talking about how corrupt the politicians are, then WHY do you want them to be in MORE control??  That will only corrupt them even more than they already are!  We need less gov't control, freer capitalistic markets, and did I mention LESS government control?  I don't need the government to tell me how to make my money, how to spend it, how to birth, raise or educate my children!  The more control you give them on the little things, the more control they are going to take on the bigger things.

I also do not want to pay for other people to not work.  I am a charitable person, I tithe, I donate, I however do not want to be FORCED into supporting someone who just doesn't feel like they have to work because why should they?  They get everything for free not working.  I also do not want to pay for other people's health care.  There is a difference between allowing access to quality health care that you then pay for, and getting your health care paid for.  If you want "free" (cause nothing is EVER free) health care, go find a recruiter and join the military.  Give to your country, lose some of your freedoms to protect the American people, and then you'll have free healthcare.  You'll have a stable job.

What ever happened to working hard to support yourself?  When did this country start thinking that certain things were rights?  It is not your right to receive anything free.  We have the right to work for what we have, to pursue happiness, but it is not guaranteed for you, and the right to live your life in any way you please as long as it doesn't unduly affect other people.

You don't have the right to have others pay for your house, your food, your medical bills, or anything else for you.  If you need help, then ask charitable people, but you shouldn't honestly just expect others to do for you.

Most people want to help others, but so many of us are not okay with being forced into it.

And there is my rant for this morning.

I am a bad blogger

I realize this.  Tara kept me busy and time went by quicker than it would have it she hadn't visited.  I'm so glad she decided to come over and stay with us for awhile.  Michael is here, for R&R.  We're over the halfway mark too, which is awesome!  When he goes back we won't have too too long.  I'm glad we did it that way.  I think the hardest part will be from January on.  There isn't a whole of things to look forward to until he comes home.

The kids are doing pretty good.  Jade is having issues with doing her school work so I adjusted the seatwork, which is what she had the most problems with.  She writes well enough, she just doesn't like to write.  James is doing very well with his school work though.  Steven is still excited about having school work to do.  He's talking in more full sentences too, which is awesome.  I credit Tara with it. :)  She's been awesome.

Willow turned 1 yesterday.  She's 29 1/4" tall now and 19lbs.  She's tall and skinny just like her daddy!  She's walking now and just got her first tooth.  It's funny cause it's an upper tooth, so I think it's just a girl thing with our family.  Jade got her top teeth first.  Willow's is her top eye tooth.  Willow is also now sleeping most of the night, which is nice.  She's sleeping in her crib now too, in her own room with Steven.  She goes to bed usually around 8pm and sleeps until around 1am, and then gets up for the day around 7-8am.

I am going to try and keep this  blog updated a little more.  Hopefully I can keep it up!

Today was hard

We did not do school yesterday so we made it up today.  Tara and I lit a candle this morning in remembrance of all those who died today 9 years ago.  The kids asked about it, so I told them.  It was a very hard thing to do though.  How do you explain to a 6 year old and an almost 5 year old how scary that day was?  Do you even want them to know?  I did the best I could, explaining what happened (without even mentioning Muslims).  We told them that was the reason for Daddy being away from us.  We also watched a short clip on the towers falling.  I was torn on if I would show them, but they are both pretty advanced and I figured they could handle it. They did well with the short lesson.

Happy Birthday Michael!

I love this song and think it's completely appropriate for Michael and I.

No matter what other people have thought about our relationship Michael and I have stayed strong, we've had our problems and managed to work through them and stay strong.  I love him more today than I did 13 years ago when I met him.  Yesterday was his birthday and I think it was a great day to celebrate, the birth of the amazing man I call my husband.  I love you baby!!

You're Still The One lyrics
Songwriters: Lange, Robert; Twain, Shania;

When I first saw you, I saw love
And the first time you touched me, I felt love
And after all this time, you're still the one I love


Looks like we made it
Look how far we've come my baby
We mighta took the long way
We knew we'd get there someday


They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong


(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life


(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night


Ain't nothin' better
We beat the odds together
I'm glad we didn't listen
Look at what we would be missin'


They said, "I bet they'll never make it"
But just look at us holding on
We're still together still going strong


(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life


(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night
You're still the one


(You're still the one)
You're still the one I run to
The one that I belong to
You're still the one I want for life


(You're still the one)
You're still the one that I love
The only one I dream of
You're still the one I kiss good night


I'm so glad we made it
Look how far we've come my baby

First Week of School!

We had our first week of school.  We are doing reviews mostly, but it's going well!  They know all the material right now, so I'm hoping we'll get to some new and interesting things soon before they get bored.

I think next week, when we start the seatwork they won't be bored, because they'll have a lot more to do.  They are both still very excited about school, and they are actually learning the basics of multiplication!  I'm glad that they are excited and are staying that way!

Oh and I'm loving the Bible curriculum!

1st Grade

Okay, so we were planning on starting school on the 30th, but per the kids request we will be starting school next Monday.  They have been asking daily this past week when we are going to start school so I figured it was time to start.  This is why I write everything in my lesson planner in pencil.

I'm still planning on waiting to start Steven until the 30th, and then he'll only do his workbooks 3 days a week, and the other two he'll color or play or "read" while the older kids are doing their work.

Willow is still working on walking.  She is attempting to stand on her own now, she'll stand up on things, and then let go for a couple of seconds.  No steps away yet though.  She's able to say "hi", "bye" and "nigh nigh" (night, night), and wave when she does it.  SOO cute!  Oh, and the dancing!  She dances!  I LOVE it!

I"m looking forward to Halloween now too.  I have James and Jade, and possibly Willow covered.  Just need to see if James's old army outfit will fit on Steven, and then everyone is covered.  Except maybe Michael and I.

I have also decided to start buying birthday and Christmas presents.  I have to think of what to get Willow and Jade first, we're having their party on November 6th.  Then Steven is going to have his party on the 27th (his birthday actually) with his cousin (for the purpose of explanation, and of sorts) Hailey.  Her birthday is on the 28th, so we're going to combine them!  I'm looking forward to it!

The end of this year feels like it's going to go by fast, it's not too long until R&R, then we'll have Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years!  Then the rest of the deployment ought to go by really fast right???  Here's hoping!

I can't believe how much older the kids will be when Michael is finally able to come home!  It's just crazy!

Well, when we start school I'll be making another post, to talk about our first day of 1st grade!

There's a wall

In deployments there's a wall.  A wall that you hit at some point in the deployment where you just want to give up and let yourself wallow in self pity.  I'm there, with everything that's happened in the past week it just pushed me into the wall, literally into it is where I feel I am.  Inside the wall and unable to move or do anything at all.

I want my husband.  I miss him more than words can explain.  I know I can live my life without him, not easily, but I can, but he's my best friend.  So many times I've just wanted to pick up a phone and call him and let him know what's going on, or because I've thought of something funny I want to tell him and I can't because he's overseas.  Then I saw a post on facebook about one of the guys from his old unit died in Afghanistan.  Last night I had a dream too, that he died.

I think the worst thing however was that a week ago Willow went into the hospital for an unknown reason.  They were talking about all kind of scary things and they treated us, at Eisenhower badly, because she's not vaccinated.  At least at MCG she was treated with more respect than she was here on post.  She's doing much better now though.

I just really want my husband, it was very scary this past week.  I did however have some amazing neighbors.  They watched the kids even though it was an inconvenience to them.  I am blessed to have some great friends and neigbhors!

Getting ready!

Jade is on lesson 135 of 170.  We're almost there I can see the light at the end of the tunnel!  I'm still working on writing out the lessons in my lesson planner for this coming year but I'm still excited about it!  It's just hard to focus on that, when I'm working with Jade getting her done with school for this year.  I also bought Steven the 3 year old curriculum, it's supposed to teach ABC recognition, work on hand/eye coordination, it'll give him some art projects to do too, and counting to 15 and numbers recognition.  I think this will help immensely in letting him feel involved in school (lately it's just been reading to him while James and Jade did school) and it will hopefully help him improve his speaking.  He doesn't like to talk, but he can understand a lot.  He can also sign quite a few things, no sentences though, but then again, neither can I.  I'm looking forward to getting his material, and coming up with a plan to have my two 1st graders, and my preschooler doing school this year!  Then in two years I can do the preschool work with Willow, she's just so smart now that I'm sure she'll probably be ready for it, and I'll have my preschooler, my kindergartner and my two 3rd graders!

It's hard to believe that both James and Jade are ready for 1st grade!  It amazes me how well both of them do!  I'm in awe of them, I really am.  I enjoy this, watching them learn and grow in front of me!  Which I'm off to do now, Jade is almost done with her writing paper, and she's oddly motivated today to do more than one lesson....

Breastfeeding in Public

Breastfeeding in public seems to always be a hot button issue, but why?  Why are people so offended because a woman is choosing to provide her child the most natural form of nutrition?  Why have we moved from the most natural ways of parenting?  I think, looking around at the world today that our "new" ways of parenting are not better, they are not good.  Formula raises the risk of babies dying of SIDS, to 1 in 5 babies, it raises the risk to become obese,to have diabetes, to die.  If you knew what formula was made of (all containing some toxic chemicals, or made from toxic chemicals) you wouldn't want to drink it, so why is it okay to give to our babies?

The fact of the matter is, technology and advancements in medicine have supposedly made our lives more convenient and better, but at what costs?  There has been a rise in all kinds of different behavioral and developmental problems, in cancer, even in SIDS once we went away from natural parenting.

I can look at this from all kinds of views, but as a Christian I'll start there.  Who are WE to think we can improve upon HIS design?  We are designed to get pregnant, grow children in our uterus (which is an amazing organ) and then to deliver them to be nourished at our breasts.  Breastmilk has SOO many amazing things in it, and is different from woman to woman because it is specifically tailored to OUR child.  It's not a "one size fits all" milk like formula is.  I have a problem with one size fits all things.

http://www.naturalfamilyonline.com/go/index.php/227/deadly-influence-formula-in-america

This talks about how formula used to be called "better than breastmilk", although we now know that not to be true, millions of people in America are still formula fed.  This is seen now as the "normal" way to feed a baby, I know that when I was younger that's how I thought all babies were fed.  I was introduced to breastfeeding through a movie, and it was then decided, once I knew you could nourish your babies for the first year of life at least, with your own body that it was how my babies would be nourished.  There was no other option for me.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/36175184/

So many studies done will tell you, breastfeeding can save lives, formula therefore increases the risks of death.  Just because you, your mother, your sister, your cousins, your child was fed formula and lived, does not mean that it didn't do some damage.  I don't normally talk about my digestive problems outside of close family, or friends, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the reason I have chronic diarrhea, that is a cause of severe embarrassment in some situations, and my IBS was caused by receiving nutrition as an infant that was substandard, and harsh on my immature gut.  I don't fault my Mom, she was a part of the generation who was told formula was better.

I have breastfed in so many public places, in restaurants, in cars, in just about any store you can think of, in parks, in church, in other people's houses.  I have gotten good looks and bad, and thankfully no one has said anything to me because I probably wouldn't be able to be nice.  It is a human right to be able to feed our children in the most natural way possible.  We're told that having a baby is a right, that not having a baby is a right, so why isn't feeding our children a right?  Why do people fight against it?  What is so bad with breastfeeding.  I'm tired of hearing people say that they understand the benefits to both baby and mother, BUT, their right to not see it is more important than the babies right to eat.  Who has more control over what they do?  The person watching what offends them, or the helpless dependent baby?

http://newsradioword.everyzing.com/m/audio/32435958/russ-lisa-in-the-morning.htm

I ask you to listen to this broadcast, you can push through to minute 5:50, and listen to the views.  I've heard these views so many times, "why can't you just feed the baby in the (hot/cold) car, or in the restroom or anywhere that I don't have to look at it"?  How about "pooping and peeing is normal, or sex is normal so why can't I do that in public".

Well, pooping and peeing in public is a health hazard, that's why you can't do that in public, and breastfeeding is NOT a health hazard.  Sex is normal sure, but it's just an urge, not an actual need, however eating is a NEED, and that's the difference there, so it's all comparing apples and oranges.

I think it is in bad taste to formula feed a baby, it's not natural, and it's the bare minimum of what a baby needs (which should not to be confused with the fact that a baby is better having MORE), and yet I have to see that all the time.  Everywhere you look you will see people feeding bottles to babies and I can't make them leave the room because it offends me, so why is it that people think they have the right to make ME leave the room for feeding MY child??

America is insane when it comes to natural parenting.  I'm glad I made the choice to go back to natural parenting, to parent the way God intended, co-sleeping, breastfeeding, baby wearing, gentle parenting (as Jesus Himself taught).

I have a feeling my kids will be better for it!

For Memorial Day

I have to question the anti-war, anti-violence people.  I abhor violence too, when it's not warranted.  People say we're over in Afghanistan fighting a "holy war" when it's not true.  The taliban are not holy and we're not trying to convert them.  The taliban however did plan and execute a a malicious plan that killed THOUSANDS of our people.  Thousands.  These were not trained soldiers, these were civilians who died.  They died in their work, and in their daycare, or in the place they had to go to to do business, or they died on their way to somewhere else.  When I think back on that day, and who can't on this day we're supposed to reflect on past soldiers, I am heartbroken.  I think how can people just want to stand by and let that go?  I follow Jesus, I know that he says to turn the other cheek.  However, I don't think he would condone standing by and allowing thousands of more innocent civilians be blown up, or burned, or fall out of buildings.

When it comes to Iraq, I'm also tired of hearing we're only in it for the oil.  If we were in it for the oil, don't you think we'd have lower gas prices by now?  We had a responsibility to removed the man we put in power.  He was killing millions of his own people.  Remember the last time we turned our backs on someone who was  inflicting mass genocide?  It wasn't pretty and it was NOT okay!

I also think these people are insensitive to people who have loved ones in the military, especially when they claim they must have only joined for the education, or because they think they can't get money another way.  Most soldiers do not join for those reasons, and yet it's spoken as if that's the only reason someone would join.  How about pride in your country?  That's why my husband joined.  He is proud of his country and he believes in keeping it safe from people who would come over here and harm the people of this country.  He is selfless and brave and amazing.  By saying what he is doing is pointless, or unneeded you are stomping on his sacrifice and mine!  I have been without my husband for what you say is pointless, but we don't think so.  This especially stings when it comes from family.

We are fighting a war to keep our country free.  Hopefully we can continue to keep our country free without war, but when someone is constantly beating you down, how do you expect to react?  If someone threatens your life, how do you honestly think you would react?  I would suggest that you watch the Buffy episode 'Pangs' to the end.  Willow is anti-war too, she's very liberal, but watch at the end, watch what happens when she's confronted with violence to herself and her loved ones.  In fact watch any episode where any of the characters are.  They fight back, they keep their loved ones safe.

Why do people think they have to apologize to others?  I feel for the innocent people who die over there, it breaks my heart, but most of them are dying because of their own people wrapping bombs on them.  Did you know they wrap bombs on children and blow them up?  Did you know soldiers now have to be wary of the little children over there that they were originally trying to help because they died giving kids candy, and toys and things because the adults used the kids to kill our soldiers?

I'm tired of it.  My husband is my hero, and you people diminish what he is doing.

I'm torn

I've been talking with Michael about this.  We're both not comfortable with vaccines but unfortunately if Michael ever gets stationed overseas we're concerned that the kids not being vaccinated would be a problem in us getting over there as soon as possible.  I'm also concerned with what they might be exposed to while over there also, so I think once Steven turns 3 we'll start getting him vaccinated.  I'm still not comfortable with the idea, in fact it all just makes me want to cry, but I think that's what's going to be best when we're trying to keep our family together.

I have so many objections though and yet, I don't know.

I've got a few months still until Steven turns 3.

Things to look forward to...

I'm going down to Florida in June, I've got a lot of people to watch eclipse with!  I'm looking forward to it!   Then in July I'm going back down for James's birthday party. Then unfortunately after that I'm going to have to wait for Michael to come home on R&R.  But then there will be Thanksgiving and Christmas to look forward to.  What I'm looking forward to the most though will happen next year!

Then hopefully I'll get my husband again for awhile!

Agh

If you put your baby on formula, just expect them to have feeding issues because it's not natural or MADE for that babies digestive track, so don't get all surprised when they have issues digesting it!  If you didn't want them to be in pain from constipation, or from horrible gas, or any other digestive issue then you just should have breastfed them!

That is all.

It sucks

When you want to write, but don't have anything to write about.  Well I do actually have things I could write about....things I care about, but right now I don't feel like writing about those things.  There are so many things I feel strongly about, natural birth, a woman's right to birth where she wants to, and with whom she wants, abortion legality, our country and the way it's headed, Christianity, vaccines, parenting and breastfeeding.  So many things.  I feel like some times I'm a little too passionate, but others I feel like maybe I'm not passionate enough.  It's frustrating sometimes, knowing, having researched things, and having no one listen to you.  I'm tired of people saying I have to be PC, or that I can't say facts because it might hurt someones feelings or make them feel guilty.

But, yea, on to other things.

Michael has been gone for a month and a half almost.  I already feel like I'm going crazy!  I want to go home to FL, be around family, but I won't be going  home for another month.  Everywhere I look there are reminders of Michael, and every time the phone rings I'm praying its him just so I can talk to him for as long as I can.  Deployments suck.  I'm being strong for the kids, and since the initial breakdowns before and after he left I haven't had one, but I'm starting to think that I'm being a little too strong.  I'm afraid that I'm keeping everything inside and it's just going to break open and I'm going to be flooded with all this emotion and I may not be able to pick when it's going to happen.  I don't know.  I'm trying to be strong and I just feel so weak right now.  I'm praying Michael calls soon, talking to him, hearing his voice always makes me feel a tiny bit better, at least for a short period of time.

The kids, yes the kids.  Well, James is just about done with kindergarten, he's got 18 more lessons, and Jade has 90 more lessons until she's done.  They have both done great so far!  I'm very proud of them!  Now if only they would clean when I asked.  Steven is doing great too, we're beginning to go over colors, and their signs, he's starting to pick up the colors....although he does get some of them mixed up sometimes.  Willow is doing very well too!  She's eating a lot lately so I'm thinking growth spurt shortly.  She's almost 7 months old so it wouldn't surprise me if she grew into 12 month clothes soon!  She is SOO tall for her age!  She's crawling now and trying to pull herself up all the time.  I miss her sleeping in the bed with me.  She won't now, she starts waking up and wanting to play if I hold her after nursing.  So in order to get her to go back to sleep after nursing I have to put her down in her bed.  It makes me sad.

Michael and I have talked about having more kids.  I don't know if we are or not, I'm leaning towards not at this point, but we're leaving that door open I think.  If we do I think I'd just like one more, another girl, but Michael wants even amounts, so if we had one more, he'd want us to have two more.  I don't know that I want 6 kids.  I figure once Willow is a bit older I can decide, although the thought of conceiving over R&R is tempting, because once Michael gets home I'd be closer to delivering. I don't know though.  I hate being pregnant, and while I do have some bad days with the kids, I love being a Mom and it's very rewarding.  They listen pretty well, most of the time....although, there are times like right now where they aren't listening to me and cleaning their room so that I don't have to take some of their toys away! LOL....Steven just went to get a bag for me to throw toys away in!

Off to be the big bad mommy!

I have a little bit of time....

Today got away with me.  I woke up and got moving around 9am, then it seemed like next thing I knew it was 1pm!  I think maybe netflix is a bad bad thing! LOL.  Plus the kids refused to clean up today too.  Then of course since it took them a long time to clean up we started school late.  Here it is 7pm and they are finally eating dinner but we're only half way through school.  I doubt they'll go to bed on time now too.  But, I did get the kitchen completely unpacked and organized and DONE!  Finally!  I'm so proud of myself.  I even started in the computer area.  So that will be my goal tomorrow, to get the computer area organized and done.  At least I hope so!


The kids are doing pretty good though, progressing well in school and Jade is awesome at cursive.  Steven is talking and signing more which is wonderful!  Willow is probably 2 or so weeks away from crawling, but she's starting to get frustrated down on the floor, and no matter how much I try and entertain her it just doesn't seem to work well.  She wants to be up in my arms.  Which I have a love/hate relationship with.  In one hand I want to savor the moments she wants to be close, but on the other hand she's getting SO heavy!  Oh well, I usually lean toward the side of savoring time.


As for Michael.  I'm getting to talk to him about every other day which is nice.  He's bored which makes me happy! :) He's staying where he is right now, which makes me feel a little more comfortable.  We're not even a month into this deployment though and in some ways it depresses me.  We're also pretty far off from R&R.  I'm trying to make it through one day at a time.  It's hard but I am trying.


Well the kids are demanding seconds of food so I have to end this now.

Life and Love

My views on love....cause I know you're all dying to know right??

I don't believe in love at first sight, and I don't believe that there is only one perfect person for you.  I think this leads to disappointment in relationships honestly.  I think that the key to making a relationship work and last is having realistic views on relationships.  It's not always going to be sunshine and rainbows.

The first thing to make a relationship work is to find someone who has enough similar interests that you can work well as a team, and second is to make sure you compliment each other.  With Michael and I we have many similar interests, and we also compliment each other.  He's not very good with finances or reading, and I am, and I'm horrible with outdoorsy things, electronics, or fixing things, and he's amazing at it, we have strengths where the other has faults.

I've learned this by experience.  When I first met Michael I was only 15 years old and I believed in fairy tales.  I believed in an ideal of love, of a relationship and while I did love Michael it was a very childish and unrealistic love.  I think we were both in this mindset of what we thought a relationship should be like, and it caused us a lot of problems.

We did a lot of breaking up and getting back together.  It did finally look like we wouldn't make it.  It was some time between 18-21 that I grew up some, and I knew that there was a chance that Michael and I would grow apart.  We stopped putting a label on our relationship at that point though, and just spent time as lovers and friends with very little strings attached (because there's always strings).  That was when I learned that what I had wanted before from Michael was unrealistic.  I can't speak for him, but I think he might agree, and that what he wanted was slightly unrealistic too.

Now I believe that if you find someone compatible you can love them with all your heart and make your relationship work.  But it takes work also.  It takes the knowledge that sometimes things aren't going to work out the way you want them to, and the ability to adapt to those changes.  Relationships grow, relationships change, and you have to be willing to bend and flow with these changes like water if you want your relationship to last.   You have to be willing to look at your own flaws and work on them, and communicate with your partner.  You have to be willing to not look outside the relationship to "make things better".  The grass is NOT always greener on the other side because I honestly don't think that if you cannot be happy in the relationship you're in, that you could find happiness in another relationship.  Obviously though both partners have to feel this way to make a relationship work.

When Michael and I were teenagers, one of the biggest reasons we didn't work is because we were not on the same page, we wanted different things, and we couldn't communicate effectively.  We could not work because we were working against each other.  Looking back I can see it.  We couldn't work until Michael and I were on the same page, until we wanted the same things, so even though we both loved each other it just wouldn't work then.  I also think the fact that we loved each other was a huge part on why we couldn't make a relationship with anyone else work either, and I eventually realized this.

Once I had realized it, I just opened myself up to any kind of relationship I could have with Michael, and just allowed things to happen on their own.

Now, as I'm sure many people believe, Michael and I did get back together because I got pregnant.  But, despite what I'm sure some people believe, this actually helped our relationship (although I would NOT recommend this to anyone else) but it helped put us on the right track.  We were finally ready to work together on our relationship and we both wanted the same things.

I have never been happier.  Sure, we still have our ups and downs, but we work on it together and we're committed to each other.

I felt the need to reflect on this with Michael overseas.  We've had a long hard journey to get to where we are, and while some of it was horrible I wouldn't change a thing.  That's what got us to where we are today and I think the journey is just as important.  Our relationship may not work as well if we hadn't gone through everything we had.

Michael and I have been together solidly for 6 1/2 years, and married for a little over 5 years.  We have 4 beautiful children who are amazing and wonderful and while the military life is hard, I wouldn't change anything with my life.  My life with Michael is so rewarding and I am so in love!

I have an issue

I have an issue, and my issue is this.  I'm tired of being called racist if I don't like Obama.  Trust me when I say that the color of his skin as nothing to do with why I don't like him, as a person or a president.  I don't even get why people are playing the race card, he's not even completely black or white, he's both.  So by saying you don't like his race, you're halfway saying you don't like your own.

What I dislike about Obama, let me count the ways.  One, he's arrogant.  Oh yes, he talks pretty, but pretty words don't mean anything if you don't stand behind them.  Sure Obama's "changing" things, but are they really for the better of America?  He's changing things into socialism.  I mean, sure I guess that's great if you want a socialistic society, but I honestly don't.  I don't see what was wrong with our constitution to begin with so yes I'm going to get angry when a president comes in and continues to change our country towards socialism.  Socialism does not work and I don't want my kids growing up, learning to work hard and provide for themselves and being forced to provide for those that refuse to!  I want my kids growing up in a land where hard work and perseverance is exalted and praised!

Back to Obama's arrogance, and how about his disdain for this great country?  He's more than once apologized for us.  I don't think he had a right to do that. and honestly, if you felt like he did, what are you doing in a country you don't like anyways?  Find one that would better suit your needs!  Obama shows reverence to our enemies, countries that harbor terrorists and give weapons to said terrorists and somehow this is okay?  Then he insults our allies....I just don't see the appeal in Obama.  He says we're not a Christian nation, but that is what the puritans founded our country on, Christian, or at least God's values.  Maybe not Christ, but we are a religious nation, and the ideals of our forefathers sure did look Christian, but I guess maybe that's a coincidence.

I also do not believe that just because he is the president, and because my husband is military that I should be forced to just accept what is happening.  So many people bashed Bush, said they wouldn't follow him, were ridiculously stupid toward him and then told us that they could, because they were American and had that right, but now that Obama is in office apparently us conservatives are not afforded the same right.  I for one never stated that you had to follow Bush, or that you didn't have the right to protest.  So I expect the same courtesy now that I feel the need to protest our country turning to socialism.  No one, should be able to force me to provide for anyone who is not of my family, without my permission or say so.  If I want to donate money, I will, but it will be to a cause of MY choosing.

So, in conclusion of this very everywhere blog, trust me when I say it is NOT Obama's race I'm against, get me a very intelligent COMPETENT man or woman of any color and I will vote for them!  I would have voted for Condoleeza Rice, so trust me, it is NOT his race!

Health Care

With this new healthcare bill being pushed through and fine tuned now I've had a lot of thoughts.  I had been hoping that congress would have been smart enough to listen to the majority of the people, knowing this was NOT what we wanted but they ignored the cries of the people.  I believe in healthcare reform, don't get me wrong, but I do not want to be, or anyone else to be pushed into buying health care.  I don't believe in socialism and I don't think it's my personal responsibility, or anyone else's to pay for all the people who cannot afford healthcare.  I think health care would be more affordable if we encouraged more free market tactics with the existing private insurance companies.  Instead of being state to state, allow them to cross state lines, create more competition, that's what drives prices down, not government control.  That's going to drive prices up, and when we don't have the money to pay for the medical services the government will then decide what they think are the procedures you're allowed to have.  It's not going to give us more freedom, or better healthcare, in fact, the opposite.  Who is going to want to be a doctor when they have to accept patients from a bankrupt government? There's a reason that even now so many doctors won't take medicaid or medicare, because they have to fight to get paid!

I also do not want to be told who I can see, or what procedures I am allowed to have.  I already have that problem with Tricare.  I wanted a homebirth and Tricare told me no, they won't cover it, even though it would be cheaper on them then it would have been if I had gone to a hospital.  It'll be the same under mass government insurance.

It is also unconstitutional to force the nation to buy anything, and yet, if you do not buy private, or government health insurance you'll be fined.  How is this okay?   How is this NOT taking away our freedom to choose for ourselves what we want?  I would honestly rather eliminate the need for insurance and pay out of pocket for all my medical needs, I'm already doing a lot of that anyways.  I don't like the doctors on post, and would rather my kids have a natural health doctor, or a chiropractor as their PCM and I would rather see my awesome midwife than go to an OB when I'm pregnant and both of these have to be paid out of pocket as it stands.

I honestly cannot see how anyone could have support this massive drain on our already failing economy and support taking away even more of our freedoms.

I'm not sure how much more I can take....

Michael is officially deployed.  I've started my countdown, got my donut of misery up and running at its measly 1%.  It sucks.  Even more so I went down here to Florida, to be away from the pain and heartache, to escape from reality for a little bit.  I was excited, my Mom was finally home, I could spend some time with her, she was doing better, eating sleeping, and now...and now.  She had 2 seizures in front of me.  She was barely coherent when they took her away on the ambulance.  Now they don't know what's going on and if she's going to get better from this new setback.

If it's not one thing its another.  I would really like to talk to Michael right now, in fact my first instinct was to call him, and I tried, but of course I couldn't.  I'm scared for my Mom, and for Michael.  I'm just right now concentrating on trying to be strong for my kids.

This all just sucks!

Are you an ostrich?

I think this is what I'm going to start calling those extremist liberals who think that Obama is doing *so* great for our country.  I'm just going to talk about the economy right now, there's much more I could talk about but I don't want this to go on forever, so I'll just stick to one thing.

Are you an ostrich?  Do you stick your head in the sand so you won't see the truth of what's going on?  Were we not told that with Obama in office that we would know exactly what was going on at all times, that nothing would be done in secret?  That we would be informed Americans?  I remember that horrible lie of a speech don't you?  And yet.  Here we are with a 2400 page health care bill (which not all of it deals with the new health care plan) and do you know what all is in it?  Did congress when they passed it?  I doubt it.  

I heard so many people say how this will be better, everyone will have health care.  Yea.  Only now everyone has the government to tell them what they can do with their health care, but oh wait, wasn't that one of the complaints Americans had about the insurance companies, that they dictated what you could and could not do with your doctors?  Now the government will do it instead of the insurance company.  Oh joy!  

Also, how are we going to pay for this when we're already so much in debt?  Just taxing the rich is not going to work.  They are going to have to tax the middle and poor people.  Everyone who complained about Bush now has their heads in the sand...."oh it's not that bad".....right, and the fact that Obama has spent 3 TIMES MORE than what Bush did in his EIGHT years in office is nothing right?  Obama has been in office how long?  Oh yea, only TWO YEARS and yet he's spent 3 times more than Bush did the entire time he was in office.....how can that be okay?  Why are we tax payers also paying for Michele Obama to have the millions of aides she has?  She doesn't need that many!

This was supposed to be a bipartisan effort right?  Obama said he was going to try and bring the two parties together to work on things together, and yet deceit was used to pass this healthcare bill.  Make the beginning look amazing and great so it'll pass, put the stuff you wouldn't actually want in the last 2399 pages....

So if this was such a GREAT bill, and we would all want this then why do we STILL not know anything about it?  Why are we going to be taxed now for something we can't even use yet?  And if it's SO great why doesn't the president, or congress want to use it too?

Did you know that to begin with it wouldn't have considered Tricare recipients covered?  Yea, the gov't already provides me with insurance, but that isn't enough control, I could have been covered twice.....um, yea.  

How about the wonderful home visits for families.  What happened to having the freedom to make your own choices about your family?  I do my research.  I have damn good reasons to not vaccinate my children, or send them to public school.  But what happens when the people they send to do these home visits decide that they know what's better for my kids than I do?  

Who gives them that right?  Oh yea, we did when we elected these idiots into office so they could control our lives.

This is NOT America.  America was NOT built on socialism, it was built on freedom from anyone's control, church or government.  Remember how oppressed people were by England and the church over there?  Isn't that what our fore fathers fought against?  Yet, we're allowing the government now to oppress us.  We should stand up and say NO!

If we continue to stick our heads in the sand things are only going to get worse around us.

Pre-Deployment

If you've never been through a deployment, or prepared for one, you'll have no idea what I'm experiencing at the moment.  This is the first time I'll be driving Michael up there, and dropping him off knowing full well that he'll get on a plane and head overseas.  It's a first because of circumstances.  When Michael went to Korea, I had just had a baby 2 months previously and flying myself and 2 babies out to South Korea's DMZ did not sound like a great idea.  Now I regret it, but then we both thought what was best was for me to stay put and wait it out.  However, I was in FL and he in Ga when he left.

Then Iraq, I had moved back down to FL because I was pregnant with Steven, and Michael was supposed to leave before I gave birth.  We wanted me around family and friends so that I wouldn't have to find childcare or give birth completely alone. So we talked up until the moment he got on the plane, and then at every stop, but I didn't take him to wait for the plane or stand there watching him get on.  So I don't think I ever faced the reality of it.

We have a date and time for the leaving ceremony.  I'm having a hard time keeping it together.  I've managed to not cry too much in front of the kids, but its getting harder.  I'm trying to be  strong and I'm failing miserably.  This time the kids and I will be there for the ceremony.  I don't know if we'll then watch him get on a plane or not, probably a bus, but we'll be there to see it.  I know that I'll be driving him there to send him overseas.  Sending him to a country where so many people hate us and want to see us dead just because we're American.  I'll feel responsible if anything happens.

I'm scared to lose this amazing man.  I want to spend my life with him, I want to grow old with him.  I want our children to know this amazing man that I know.  They are all so young, so young.  James will have the most memories if something happens, but I know from experience, eventually those memories fade, he'll forget Michael's voice, and start to remember memories only from photographs.  I was 9 when I lost my father.  I'm scared most for my children.  I will I comfort them if something happens?  I feel panicked just thinking they may have to go through what I did.  Steven knows Daddy, but he won't remember him, Jade will have fleeting memories at best, and Willow wouldn't know her daddy at all.

I'm trying to think positively, but it's hard.

So many emotions going through me right now.  It's time now though to go, enjoy my husband before he leaves.  If you read this, keep my husband in your thoughts and prayers over this year please.  We'll both need all the positive thoughts and prayers that can be spared.

Vaccinations

This cannot be long as Willow will wake up very shortly but I had to write something.

I am completely, and totally annoyed at how many times I hear "are you concerned at all about how you're un-vaccinated children are putting others at risk for disease"???

One, my kids aren't sick, nor are they harboring any diseases, that's YOUR vaccinated children.  THEY have the diseases lurking in their bodies, or at least they should since that's the whole point of vaccinating correct?  I have more to worry about MY children being in contact with YOUR vaccinated children then you have to be worried about mine around yours.

Second, IF my kids get sick, then I have a wonderful thing called a doctor to take my kids too.  Now yes, I weakened my older children's immune systems with vaccines, but my younger two have completely healthy and NORMAL immune systems, well okay not Willow yet, but she has mine to help her out.  However, shooting something straight into the blood stream does NOT inoculate you!  Too many people think it does, but the first line of defense in your immune system is your GUT!  Not your blood, if the disease makes it to your blood stream then it's already gone too far.  So the immunity you think you're providing with vaccines does not LAST!  Because you're not introducing the disease in a way that you're body is prepared to fight.  So you're only protecting them partially, if at all. This is the reason you have to get multiple shots, because the immunity will not last because your body isn't being exposed in the way the immune system is designed to work!

I think our immune system is an amazing defense system, when we trust it to work correctly.

Would you, at any time, inject aluminum, formaldehyde, salt, sugar, or any other substance into your body? Formaldehyde is said, by the FDA to be unsafe in any amounts, and yet there's trace amounts IN vaccines.  That's right, embalming fluid is in vaccinations....yes, trace amounts, but again I state, scientists and Dr.'s both say that NO amount in your body is safe, it's a nuerotoxin.  It kills brain cells.  Um.....a little contradictory when those same Dr.'s are telling you that vaccines are safe right?  What about that trace amount of formaldehyde?  Also I will contend that individually the amount of aluminum in a single vaccine is less than we'd get from eating fresh saltwater fish.  It's not "safe" but it's not "un-safe" either.  Until you take into account that most vaccines today are combined, meaning that each of those vaccines has a "safe" amount, but having more vaccines means you're not injecting unsafe amounts of aluminum into your child.

Have you heard of the blood-brain barrier?  This barrier keeps all heavy toxins, that we ingest or is injected into us away from the brain.  Awesome right?  Well, that barrier is not fully functional until AT LEAST TWO YEARS OF AGE.  TWO.  That's at least, some kids it can take longer.  So we're injecting children with no protection of their brains, with unsafe amounts of formaldehyde and aluminum and many other chemicals and toxins (as some of the actual bacteria we're vaccinating against are also toxins) into our young children who have NO defense against it.

It's one thing to vaccinate an older child or adult, who has a better way of absorbing, excreting and protecting their brain against these things, but to inject a very young, very small infant with the same amount of toxins and chemicals you inject a much older, bigger adult with is mind-boggling to me!

So, next time you ask me if *I* am worried about *your* vaccinated children, and how my un-vaccinated children might affect them, my answer is YES, I AM worried that your vaccinated children might just INFECT my children.  But, I trust in their immune systems because they'll get to work correctly, and you're children's may not be very protected.  My children will then receive natural and LIFE LONG immunity where you're children, may even still not because their immune systems have been compromised and overwhelmed.

Where else in nature do we receive 3-4 deadly disease, viral and bacterial at ONE time?

We don't.

Jade's Birth

6month pregnant with Jade

I got pregnant with Jade when James was just 7 months old.  Found out when James was 9 months old.  I was ecstatic, we were hoping that our kids would be close together in age.  Michael joined the army when I was 7 months pregnant.  We did not expect him to be back for the birth.  Michael's Mom, my sister and my best friend Amanda were planning on being there with me to help.  I was again staying at my parents before the birth when "labor" started.  I got up at 4 am to pee, and then I saw that James had moved off his little kid couch where he had been sleeping.  I bent over to move James back and as I bent over I heard a soft "pop" sound, and then felt a gush of liquid.....a big gush.  I was positive my water had broken so I moved James back and went back to the bathroom.  I changed my pad, and then walked around the house a bit.  I was not having any contractions at the time, they had tapered off that previous evening.  I called the hospital to let them know I was coming in and that my water had broken.  The nurse told me to wait until I started having contractions.

I then woke my sister up and she went off to shower, and then I called Amanda, she said she was going to shower real quick and head over.  Amanda got to my house around 6:30.  We left to meet up at my MIL's house and I still was not having any contractions but I was leaking fluid still.  At my MIL's I tried walking around the streets outside to see if I could get my contractions going.  We left my MIL's house though with no contractions.  About 5 min away from the hospital they came on though, every 2 min.

When we got to the hospital they were still every 2-3 min apart, and they got me into triage and gave me a gown to put on, I got it on and then went to sit down on the bed before the nurse came back in (they were in the middle of shift change) and my water broke again.  I went out to get a nurse and a new gown, and when I asked a nurse running by for a gown she took one look at my gown and told me she was going to get me a room.  Which she did.

Then things went pretty fast, I got in a room and my contractions were pretty hard, it was 7:30 when we got there to the hospital, I went into transition at 9:40ish.  I had the same nurse as last time, and given that I still didn't think my last labor wasn't horrible I was actually pretty happy.  However, this nurse also gave me nubain, again.  Without asking me.  It was ten times worse this time.  I was so high it was insane.  I couldn't think, breathe, and I started freaking out.  Especially when it came time to push.

I felt the need to push at around 10:30am.  The nurse told me not to push yet, again, and went to check me, Jade was already crowning because I had been in so much pain that I didn't feel her move all the way down and then people started scrambling around because Jade was coming whether they liked it or not. Then since Jade was facing the wrong way, I had been having back labor and it was even worse when I was pushing, laying on my back.  The nurse kept shoving my knees up to my ears, and I freaked out even more as I was pushing.  I literally, after the Dr came in, started moving myself up the back of the bed to get away from everyone, and I started screaming loudly, and highly, and could barely breathe. I told everyone to stop touching me, and "no!" I could also still feel the effects of the medicine.  I did finally have her, after my Dr cut me to get her out quick because of how erratic I was acting (not my words). It was an incredibly traumatic experience and I don't remember most of her first few months of life because of the trauma I suffered.  

Jade Destiny was born on November 19, 2005 at 10:47am weighing 6lbs 11oz and 19" long

She was born 12 days before her due date.

Child Training!

I have been reading a lot of things lately about "training your child" from birth.  I believe in guiding your children, and not letting them run wild, but I also believe in nurturing them and treating them with respect.  Oh and treating them like they are human beings.  When we teach adults do we spank them? Do we treat them with disrespect?  No, we treat them like equal human beings and they respond.  I believe my children are more well-behaved then some others because I treat them with respect.  They respond easier to me because I don't treat them like they are dogs.

Pearl and Ezzo get me the most.

No where in the bible does it say you should spank or beat your children or anything.  A rod, as everyone nicely puts it, was a sheppards crook and sheppards never HIT their sheep to lead them.  Plus, Solomon, the man you wrote proverbs, did not "spare the rod".  His son ended up despised and run off by his own people.  What does that tell you?

Jesus also said that what you do to the weakest members of our society (that could easily be translated as young children) you also do to him.  Would you hit Jesus?  I don't think so.

I just do not get this reasoning!  Enjoy your children they are blessings from God Himself!

James's Birth

So, I found out I was pregnant just 3 months after I turned 21.  I wasn't really expecting it, although I knew it could happen.  Wasn't completely in my plans but to be completely honest I wanted it to happen.  Nothing would have pleased me more than to be pregnant with Michael's child.  I have been head over heels in love with that man since the age of 15.  We both had made stupid mistakes but I never stopped loving him.  I don't think I could love anyone as much as I love him.  So, I found out I was pregnant, and I was a little scared that he wouldn't be happy.....yea, i was wrong, completely.  He, believe it or not was completely happy.  Especially since we were both told it would be hard for us to conceive.  Boy have we proved those Dr.'s wrong right??

So I already had an OB due to health issues (the ones that said it would be hard to conceive with) and so I didn't even think of any other options.  Woman go to OB's and deliver in hospitals right?  No one does anything different right?  So that was the only option I thought I could go with, in fact at that time I thought anyone who delivered a child at home was crazy!  Why would you do that when you could have a baby safely in a hospital.

Now I have no complaints about my prenatal care, I did get a little more time than some with my dr.  I usually didn't have a long wait in the office, the nurse only took my blood pressure and had me pee in a cup, then my Dr would come in and test my urine, ask me how I was doing, check my fundal height and then listen to the baby with the dopplar making sure I got plenty of time to hear the heartbeat.  I think my visits did actually last around 30 or so minutes and I never felt rushed or unimportant.

He also was very good at explaining all my options, which was nice.

So this is me not too long after I found out I was pregnant, 2 months I believe....

With this pregnancy I took my vitamins religiously I didn't take any meds but tylenol and the only stressful thing I did was work....constantly.....like as close to 40 hours a week as I could.  I wanted to have plenty of money for the new edition to my family.  The pregnancy went very well, morning sickness wasn't too bad, only threw up I think twice, may have been three times, and ended right around 12 weeks.  The only other trouble I had was when I was 35 weeks I started having contractions and ended up on light bedrest.  It was caused by working, being on my feet and not able to drink enough water.  So I dutifully went on bedrest.  I trusted my Dr.

On to the end of the pregnancy.  At 39 weeks I was SO ready to have him, but I honestly wanted to go late.  James was due on July 25th, and I wanted him actually closer to August, because my birthday is July 22nd.  I did NOT want to have this baby on my birthday!!!

He had other ideas....This pic was taken the night before I went into labor, on July 21st.  Because I was close to my due date I was staying with my parents.  My Mom was planning on driving us to the hospital and I had been having contractions for weeks.  My Dr had even said it would probably be soon at my last visit, but my next visit wasn't even until after my due date, and he wasn't interested in talking induction until then anyways, and wouldn't do it until I was after 41 weeks.  I also had no clue how far I was progressed because he didn't believe in doing vaginal exams because they don't really tell you anything.

So, Michael and I were exhausted, I had already been to the hospital three times I believe for false starts and we were exhausted.  I had Michael timing my contractions and we went to bed around 11pm I think it was.  I was still having contractions, but was able to start sleeping through most.  Around 4am I woke up with a contraction and had to pee so I headed to the bathroom.  In the bathroom I peed, and flushed and then felt another gush of liquid.  I thought at first that I had leaked urine, but I held my muscles tight, and when I had a contraction there was another tiny gush of liquid.  I layed down on the floor and again held the muscles tight and waited for a contraction.  It happened again.  So I woke Michael up, who dutifully woke up enough to look at his cell phone, note the time on our piece of paper for contractions and then layed back down to sleep.....I had to insist he wake up because I thought my water had broken and was leaking.  That woke him up.  I then went and woke up my Mom.  It took us about 30 min to get everyone ready and in the car.  This was really mistake number 1.  I should not have gone to the hospital yet, I was hoping for a natural birth so I should have waited, but I was told that if I though my water had broken then I should go to the hospital.....the ride was hellish, my contractions were starting to be more intense than they had been previously and I could feel every bump and every movement of the car.  When we got there we I was wheeled up to the L&D and sent into triage to change and get hooked up to monitors.  The nurse checked and told me my water had *not* broken (but I am not convinced of that and think it was a high tear) but they checked me and said I was 4cm and based on the contractions they were seeing (which were about 5 min apart) that I was definitely in active labor.

Mistake number 2 happened then.  I allowed them to hook me up to the monitors and continued to stay on the monitors.  The nurse would run in if we unhooked them for me to move around, for me to go to the bathroom....I was progressing well, what did I need to get up for?  I was also hooked up to an IV because I had tested positive for strep B.  Had to stay in the bed for that......

My labor was pretty textbook.  I could tell the different stages, I knew when I went from active labor to transition, and I did well going into my own little world while laboring.  I didn't make much noise while in labor though, other than telling Michael to stop laying his arm on my stomach while I was having contractions.  He was constantly falling asleep and putting his full weight on me.  The nurse came in, I don't know exactly when, and offered me drugs, narcotics, but she waited until I was IN a contraction to ask me, after she checked me and I was 6cm.   I, in the middle of all the pain, agreed.  STUPID!!  nubain did not help me at all and in fact inhibited me from breathing and concentrating the way I had been.  I had been doing well with the contractions but after the nubain I was then falling asleep in between contractions and then being woken up by severe pain from the intense part of the contractions.  Not only that, but the nurse gave it to me during transition, long after she should have stopped (in her belief that it would be much longer till I needed to push).

However it wasn't too much later that I needed to push, and when I told the nurse so I was told not to (why do they DO that?  Tell a woman not to push when her body tells her to)???  I tried hard to listen to her, but the urge to push was so hard that I couldn't not push.  I kept saying "i need to push, I need to push I need to push" in my effort NOT to push, and I should have been thinking why are they telling me to go against what my body is trying to do?  It knows what to do!  Eventually it became to hard, and I started pushing, but by that time the nurse had gotten everyone in and ready and told me the Dr would be there soon.  It took 20 minutes to push him out and they laid him on me for just a second before they whisked him away to give him a shot because I'd had pain meds, and to put the antibiotics in his eyes and all the other things they do to those poor crying babies who should just be left alone with their mothers.  They also clamped the cord immediately (which I'm now against) and I delivered the placenta and got my episiotomy sewn up.  I had one because my hymen was still intact and James just wouldn't come out.

Not long after I was stitched up the nurses whisked James out of the room and away from me.  Michael tried to go with them but they wouldn't let him.  They also would not tell him anything because we were not married and I was in too much pain to walk and still so tired.  They told me they were just taking him to the nursery to check on things and that he would be back as soon as I got out of the shower.  I loved that first shower, it was very refreshing.  Once it was over though I was expecting my child.  Hours started passing and I was starting to worry, they still wouldn't tell Michael anything and around 5 hours later the LC came in and asked me to pump. I did and my milk started coming in then.  I'm sure before this time though they probably gave James formula but I don't have conformation on this.  I didn't get to really see my son or spend time with him until 8 hours after his birth.  I was devastated, they finally told Michael that James had stopped breathing, and then that his test came up positive for strep b.  He was kept in the NICU and I had to go there to nurse him that first day.  They wouldn't bring him in to me.  I went every 2 hours to nurse him, tried to over feed him because the nurses said I wasn't nursing long enough (he would only eat for 20 min and only on one breast) and he'd choke on all the milk I produced!

When the neonatologist came in that evening he informed me that James had stopped breathing because I'd had pain meds, and I was crushed.  I felt like I had caused my son's problems by being selfish and weak.  The next day however they started bringing James to me to nurse in my room and then he had to go back to the NICU, he was slightly jaundiced also so they were watching that.  I signed the consent for the hep b shot because I blindly believed vaccines were good also and despite not wanting him to have a paci in his first days didn't fight the nurses giving him one in the NICU because I didn't want him to disturb the other babies.

He stayed in there for 3 days, because of his blood test, and I was released at 2 days but was allowed to stay the 3 days, when we found out on that third day that his first test had been contaminated and he did not in fact have strep b, and past that first moment not breathing had been fine and we were released to go home.

Now most people will tell you, that at least I got a healthy baby and that's all that matter right? And yes, that is important and to be honest at first I thought my birth went alright, because I at least gave birth vaginally, and that had been important to me, but now that I look back I can't believe I allowed all that happened to happen.  I wish I could go back and change it all.  If I could go back I would change it, I would have looked up a midwife and had my baby at home.  I would have qualified as I was completely low risk, and while I did do a lot of research back then I would have done more, if I'd known better, there are so many things I would change if i could go back knowing what I know now.

But, I did at least know that the next birth I wanted to be different....although it didn't go the way I wanted either.

James was  born on July 22, 2004 at 12:26pm weighing 7lbs 5oz and 20" long.

He is now 5 1/2 years old :)